Showing My Soul

Hello Fans, 😆😏

I know most of y’all are chomping at the fuckin heels of everyone trying to get the run down on the unfortunate demise of beefcake and I.

For those fuckers who are slow, and don’t stalk me like everyone else. Beef cake and I are divorced.

It’s not at dramatic as what everyone hopes for. Wellll lets just start from the beginning then huh?

Have you ever had that all consuming, obsessed, all enveloping type of love. Where you live and breath and feel like you exist solely for that one soul you felt was sent to you by whatever god you believe in?
That was beefcake🖤, in the start. That man rode in on his white horse and stole my very soul. No questions asked, sweeper of the heart should be his new name.
We were the couple everyone loved, loud and loving and danced the fucking floors on fire. Laughing and loving and fucking our way through life.
It was simply life that got in the way, the pressure of being in a blended family. The horrible feeling of keeping up with the Jones. The unbelievable fucking whirlwind of juggling friends, family, and marriage.
Therapy saved us a few times, but there comes a point in life where you are stuck on the same merry go round, both of us on our knees begging each other for things we just didn’t have it in us to give one another anymore.
Oh believe you me people, we tried. Over and over and over. But being great in the fucking sack just isn’t enough for a marriage to last. Hard to let go of though. Trust you me.
We tried even after the divorce, because that pain guys? That knock you on your ass pain. The not being able to breath, the heart wrenching begging to a god I don’t even believe in to just take my heart away and keep it until I don’t wake up crying and go to bed crying. That pain, it was there for a reason right? There had to be something to fucking grasp and run with. This isn’t just us being terrified of being alone. So we showed each other our souls again, held on to that little fucking ray shining through both of our shattered hearts....

To fall apart again.

The definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over knowing what the outcome will be.

I didn’t want to be insane anymore. But fuck if I didn’t want a time machine to go back to when we loved each other so fiercely when nothing in the world mattered.

Jeremy was my life, my world, my god damn heartbeat.

Even that goes away after years of miscommunication, drunken stupid fights, different parenting views, and well sleepless nights.

So, my fans, my people.
If you are struggling in your marriage. If you have things you are keeping back, or need new ways to communicate. Do whatever in the fuck you need to do to make it right. Counseling. Books. Seminars. Cut fucking people from your life if you have to. Don’t let the little things build to fucking infernos. Hell even if you think it’s perfect. It’s not, never stop working on yourself and your family.

Now, I have my bad days. That pain isn’t gone. Trying to navigate through this new ocean has me begging for someone to throw me a fucking raft to pull me and save me from this scary as fuck new waters I am treading in. But I know, even in the moments of uncertainty. Everything happens for a reason.
One day I won’t hurt, one day my kids will heal. One day I’ll get to a point where I can laugh instead of cry like a baby with colic when I think back on the happy memories.
Those days will come, having the support system I have. All you sons of bitches help. Making people laugh helps me. Know  I made someone’s day by my ridiculous stories, hell maybe even help someone who is in the same situation as me right now. I have love for everyone.

Well not everyone, some of you fuckers will get what’s coming to you.

But most of you, I adore you and the life you lead. & I love the comments and responses from you all.

So share fuckers..... Courtney is back.