New Orleans
Hello All!
Ladies and gents, strap on your strap on it’s gonna be a freaky ride!!
It’s been awhile, so figured I’d start you back with what I promised last time. Our anniversary trip to the greatest city I know. New Orleans. Where bad decisions happen and dirty bucket list wishes get marked off!
A little back story, so you can understand the full story. My beefcake and I had a few months of insanity and separated for a few months. All you Facebook people knew. It was a thing, now it’s over. All is well in Murphy land now. (Counseling rocks. Do it) anywho, this was our first trip together since we were back together. The trip up was filled with many mushy kisses and we fucking did it speeches and promises of a better us. Very lovely but not to worry, things will get nasty soon enough my little freaks.
We arrive right at dinner time, drop the bags off and head straight to dinner and drinks. The dinner sucked until I realized I could BRING MY DRINK WITH ME! My little brain was blown and very excited. Grabbed my to-go cup and off we went to adventure land. Yes, we got drunk. yes, anal happened. Yes the next morning was a literary tour I scheduled us on.... that was super gay for the husband but for my inner nerd it was fantastic. (Hemingway is the shit) on to night two of the drunken stupor.
Now people, I have only stepped foot into a strip club once. At the very end. Caught one not attractive vagina and it was closing. So after I got just drunk enough. I shouted STRIP CLUB! Of course all you have to do is walk down the strand there and the night walkers seem to find you. So we enter strip club #1. Kind of a shady joint. Kind of dirty. Kind of stinky. But whatevs court is at level 6 at this point on the drunk-o-meter. I sit all proper in my chair fascinated with the naked women in front of my face jiggling and pop locking and dropping her business all over the place. And then finally see her face. SHE WAS PRETTY! Like one of those no make-up pretty bitches. SHE WAS A STRIPPER WITH NO MAKE-UP! Not even mascara. Now I’m just a little pissy. Drunk pissy. I proceeded to drag her to my left a get her story. I’m a people person. Everyone loves me. Well might take them a little bit but eventually.... they love me. She starts opening up like a used book. Telling me everything. Fucking best friends is what we are. (Level 8 on drunk-o-meter) sexuality conversation gets passed around. Family stories. Kids. Everything. Bucket list gets brought up. Okay y’all, confession. I’ve always wanted to dance to one song ona stripper stage getting my stripper on. So she jumps up and says I’ll be right back. We step outside on the back patio to smoke, half way through she yells for me to come to the stage!!!!!!! For some reason in my mind I needed to set my phone down and run. So my fat ass in a romper takes off like I won a damn new car. Guys, I jump on that stage and pop lock and drop it like I ain’t got no damn kids and the pole was my future. My husband the perfect man he is was hootin and yelling away. I had all the dirty people looking at my ass. It.was.fantastic. And lasted maybe 45 seconds before the manager pulled me off. I’m getting high fives and nice ass left and right. Feeling like the next top model for strippers. Turn to my husband and say where is my phone. I had to call my sister and tell her how proud she needed to be of me. My husband then tells me he didn’t have my phone...... so we turn on the tracker. Someone took off with my phone. Stole it mid ass shake. The asshole. So off we go following the map from the husbands phone. End up in a diner yell profanities and threatening anyone who looked shady as fuck until We get kicked out. So we order an Uber... walk outside to see it’s already there. Dude rolls down the window and says “you courtney” WTF this mother fucker ordered an Uber from my mother damn phone. We explain the situation and James Bond the fuck out of the Uber guy only to end up super drunk and at our hotel phone less..... it’s 4 in the morning we pass out.
The next night, I guess gods bad karma didn’t register after the 5th fireball shot so I shout “STRIP CLUB” again..... this time we find a much classier place. Red velvet walls... super classy. Order the beefcake a lap dance. Super hot little thing she was. Continue drinking. This time befriend a group of strippers. All five of us are sitting by the patio. Having a smashing time. Talking, they are buying us drinks. I’m about an 8 on the meter and I think my husband is right along with me..... I was wrong he was about an eleven. He gets up and heads to the bathroom upstairs. Comes back, I’m in the middle of a deep conversation with one of my new sister wives about her babies constipation issues when the hubster returns. And he’s standing up and I’m sitting. So he gently pulls my head back for a famous spider man kiss. I obliged. Came back down. To see my husband dead weight falling down on my new stripper nearly naked friends..... imagine cutting a tree down and seeing it fall. That was beefcake. Gravity failed my two hundred pound husband... Just fucking BAM! Everyone screams these poor girls are reassuring my husband telling him it happens all the time...while I’m laughing so hard I try not to pee myself. He’s so fucking ashamed of his life choices in this moment I decided it was time to go.
The next day was a shopping filled day and the night did not include strip clubs. We learned our lesson and understood the karma behind entering such a sinful place. God threw The hammer down and showed us. Oh and fireball is the devils cousin.
Ladies and gents, strap on your strap on it’s gonna be a freaky ride!!
It’s been awhile, so figured I’d start you back with what I promised last time. Our anniversary trip to the greatest city I know. New Orleans. Where bad decisions happen and dirty bucket list wishes get marked off!
A little back story, so you can understand the full story. My beefcake and I had a few months of insanity and separated for a few months. All you Facebook people knew. It was a thing, now it’s over. All is well in Murphy land now. (Counseling rocks. Do it) anywho, this was our first trip together since we were back together. The trip up was filled with many mushy kisses and we fucking did it speeches and promises of a better us. Very lovely but not to worry, things will get nasty soon enough my little freaks.
We arrive right at dinner time, drop the bags off and head straight to dinner and drinks. The dinner sucked until I realized I could BRING MY DRINK WITH ME! My little brain was blown and very excited. Grabbed my to-go cup and off we went to adventure land. Yes, we got drunk. yes, anal happened. Yes the next morning was a literary tour I scheduled us on.... that was super gay for the husband but for my inner nerd it was fantastic. (Hemingway is the shit) on to night two of the drunken stupor.
Now people, I have only stepped foot into a strip club once. At the very end. Caught one not attractive vagina and it was closing. So after I got just drunk enough. I shouted STRIP CLUB! Of course all you have to do is walk down the strand there and the night walkers seem to find you. So we enter strip club #1. Kind of a shady joint. Kind of dirty. Kind of stinky. But whatevs court is at level 6 at this point on the drunk-o-meter. I sit all proper in my chair fascinated with the naked women in front of my face jiggling and pop locking and dropping her business all over the place. And then finally see her face. SHE WAS PRETTY! Like one of those no make-up pretty bitches. SHE WAS A STRIPPER WITH NO MAKE-UP! Not even mascara. Now I’m just a little pissy. Drunk pissy. I proceeded to drag her to my left a get her story. I’m a people person. Everyone loves me. Well might take them a little bit but eventually.... they love me. She starts opening up like a used book. Telling me everything. Fucking best friends is what we are. (Level 8 on drunk-o-meter) sexuality conversation gets passed around. Family stories. Kids. Everything. Bucket list gets brought up. Okay y’all, confession. I’ve always wanted to dance to one song ona stripper stage getting my stripper on. So she jumps up and says I’ll be right back. We step outside on the back patio to smoke, half way through she yells for me to come to the stage!!!!!!! For some reason in my mind I needed to set my phone down and run. So my fat ass in a romper takes off like I won a damn new car. Guys, I jump on that stage and pop lock and drop it like I ain’t got no damn kids and the pole was my future. My husband the perfect man he is was hootin and yelling away. I had all the dirty people looking at my ass. It.was.fantastic. And lasted maybe 45 seconds before the manager pulled me off. I’m getting high fives and nice ass left and right. Feeling like the next top model for strippers. Turn to my husband and say where is my phone. I had to call my sister and tell her how proud she needed to be of me. My husband then tells me he didn’t have my phone...... so we turn on the tracker. Someone took off with my phone. Stole it mid ass shake. The asshole. So off we go following the map from the husbands phone. End up in a diner yell profanities and threatening anyone who looked shady as fuck until We get kicked out. So we order an Uber... walk outside to see it’s already there. Dude rolls down the window and says “you courtney” WTF this mother fucker ordered an Uber from my mother damn phone. We explain the situation and James Bond the fuck out of the Uber guy only to end up super drunk and at our hotel phone less..... it’s 4 in the morning we pass out.
The next night, I guess gods bad karma didn’t register after the 5th fireball shot so I shout “STRIP CLUB” again..... this time we find a much classier place. Red velvet walls... super classy. Order the beefcake a lap dance. Super hot little thing she was. Continue drinking. This time befriend a group of strippers. All five of us are sitting by the patio. Having a smashing time. Talking, they are buying us drinks. I’m about an 8 on the meter and I think my husband is right along with me..... I was wrong he was about an eleven. He gets up and heads to the bathroom upstairs. Comes back, I’m in the middle of a deep conversation with one of my new sister wives about her babies constipation issues when the hubster returns. And he’s standing up and I’m sitting. So he gently pulls my head back for a famous spider man kiss. I obliged. Came back down. To see my husband dead weight falling down on my new stripper nearly naked friends..... imagine cutting a tree down and seeing it fall. That was beefcake. Gravity failed my two hundred pound husband... Just fucking BAM! Everyone screams these poor girls are reassuring my husband telling him it happens all the time...while I’m laughing so hard I try not to pee myself. He’s so fucking ashamed of his life choices in this moment I decided it was time to go.
The next day was a shopping filled day and the night did not include strip clubs. We learned our lesson and understood the karma behind entering such a sinful place. God threw The hammer down and showed us. Oh and fireball is the devils cousin.
Comments
Post a Comment